Friday, 29 August 2014

Dawson's Creek - 304 - Home Movies

Original air date: October 20, 1999

Eve isn't in this episode! Hooray!

We start the episode in Dawson's room as he's preparing to make a non-fictional video. Pacey is asking him what made him change from fiction to making real life stories and Dawson explains that his mom is asking him to get her some raw footage for a human interest story that could be aired on her news show. Dawson thinks this is his chance to get his foot in the door but I doubt it because news is an entirely different field than movies and people don't usually notice camera work or who does the camera work on news stories either. Dawson seems to think otherwise and is excited about this opportunity. He has chosen to do his story on Jack McPhee because he's gay and plays on the football team and that was just crazy and unthinkable in the 90s.

He finds what he thinks is a tape of his mom's work but is actually old home movies of him and Joey playing as kids. This makes me upset because it reminds me that someone commented on my blog that there was apparently a scene written of Joey interacting with Pacey as a child but it was never filmed and I can't find the script anywhere. I want that script, dammit!

Who cares about Dawson and Joey?

Grams chastises Jen for "degrading" her school colours by wearing fishnet stalkings with her cheer leading uniform. Jen says it's her form of protest against people sexualizing cheerleaders which makes no sense because she's just playing into the sexualizing aspect so she's really not getting any message across against it. As much as I usually love Jen and Grams, this scene totally just exists as a "Jen says something sexual around Grams and Grams gets shocked" moment that's supposed to be funny but it's kind of tired at this point. Skip it.

Pacey sneaks up on Joey and they banter about how much they hate all the school spirit that's going on. How come I love it when Pacey and Joey banter but hate it when Dawson and Joey do it? Answer, because Dawson sucks and Pacey is awesome. Fact. Anyway, Pacey asks Joey if she wants to cut class and come with him somewhere. She asks him where but he refuses to say and she feigns disinterest. He leaves her to think about her offer to follow him. She debates with herself but of course she follows him, because he's Pacey.

I love them

Dawson is interviewing Jack about football when Coach Mitch interrupts and tells Jack to get to practice. Dawson says that he can interview Mitch while Jack practices but Mitch shuts him down, on account of he's the coach and needs to actually watch the practice. Dawson whines that his project is due tomorrow but Mitch tells him to get an extension and deal with it. I kind of laugh because I just love it when Dawson doesn't get his way.

Henry is showing off his Doug Flutie mouthpiece to the team when Jen and the cheerleaders walk up and asks what they're going on about. Jack explains to her while Henry quietly shows her the mouthpiece. She's disgusted that it was in some strange guys mouth and walks away. Henry then creepers about her to Jack and says he has to do something to get her to notice him.

Jack, stop mocking Henry or you'll end up on his kill table

The cheerleaders reveal to Jen that she is the prize in a silent auction they were running and that as the prize, she has to kiss whoever wins. That's insanely creepy and Jen agrees, tells them all off and quits. Huh, not that I disagree with her stance but just last episode she was going on about fate and Jack becoming a football player meaning something so he should stick with it. Why doesn't the same rule apply to her?

Kind of hypocritical of you, Jen

Andie bumps into a man in the hallway of school who turns out to be from Educational Testing Services. She immediately acts as guilty as possible and asks him if someone cheated which the tester does not tell her but asks her to tell him where her Principal is. She tells him and has a completely guilty and worried look on her face.

Pacey and Joey are walking down a dirt road while Joey whines about the fact that she risked her future to cut class with him, only to be dragged to the post office to pick up a package and then carry said package through the wilderness. It's not really the wilderness, it's a dirt road, Joey. You have a very clear path you are following, you're not just wandering through the bushes. Then Pacey says this:

Pacey: Oh, God. You know, did you ever stop to think about how much hormonally charged energy you waste on these quick quips and the biting banter? Your life would be considerably more productive if you would just take some more, ah…oh, what is that? More, ah … action! If you took more action.
I just...I just love him so much. You see? This is why Joey needs him, he calls her out on her bullshit and keeps her in check. Dawson would have just laughed like a dope and probably ignored her. I want to also note that Pacey is not being a jerk about it, he's just telling her to stop over thinking things, so no girls still don't like jerks over nice guys and Dawson is still not a nice guy.

Pacey then tells her that she should stick out her thumb to hitch them a ride because girls get picked up more than guy hitchhikers. Joey calls him a sexist but Pacey says he's just a pragmatist but I can't get down on him too much because then he starts referencing, literally my favourite rom com ever, The Sure Thing. I LOVE PACEY SO HARD! I WANT TO CUDDLE HIM AND WATCH THE SURE THING WITH HIM FOREVER!!!

Joey sticks out her thumb to hitch but wouldn't you know it, the person who stops to pick her up is Principal Green. Why was he driving down a random dirt road in the middle of a school day? Because the plot says so and Joey and Pacey needed to get caught.

Awww, even when he's in trouble, he's still a gentleman

Dawson tries to get his dad to do an interview but Mitch still refuses until after his game. Dawson whines that he has to get it done so that he can get it to his mom. Mitch is confused because he didn't realize Dawson's interview would go on TV, he thought it was just for school. Dawson whines that he told his dad this but Mitch says that he doesn't want the interview to go on TV because it might ruin their chances of winning. Dawson complains that he waited his entire life for this opportunity and Mitch shuts him down gloriously by mockingly asking "all 16 years of it?" Then Mitch refuses to do the interview and Dawson is a sad panda.

You know how Joey has gotten better this season? It's really only when she's with Pacey because the minute she's with Dawson, she gets as infuriating as ever. She snipes at him but he ignores it and asks for advice and she says "What else are dumped ex-girlfriends for?"

YOU dumped HIM, Joey! Why do you insist on forgetting this? I know you wanted to get back together and he turned you down but still, you were the one who dumped him. Let us all remember:

Anyway, Dawson asks for her advice about the issues he's having with his father and she tells him that it's up to him to decide what he's willing to do and what he's willing to lose to get what he wants. Right now, Dawson going ahead with his story might kill his father, Joey retorts that according to Freud, that's what sons are supposed to do. Which is stupid and outdated and not good advice. Joey, go hang out with Pacey again, you've got more improving to do. Dawson thanks her by giving her the tape that he and Pacey found at the beginning of the episode.

The cheerleaders pester Jen in the morning while she's just waking up (not cool, Grams. Give the girl some warning), and ask her to reconsider the kiss. Jen says she quits and that's that. They don't care that she doesn't want to be on the squad because another girl has already been upped to Head Cheerleader, they just want her to reconsider the kiss as someone donated $500 but only wants to kiss Jen. I think we all know who bid the money, it's really obvious.

It's the pig, isn't it?

Jen reluctantly agrees because it's revealed that they are raising money for orphans and she would look like a jackass if she didn't go through with it. Ah, guilt pressure.

Andie is confronted by Principal Green in the hallway and is asked to come by his office on Monday for a "disciplinary matter". He is needlessly cryptic about this which is hilarious when you find out why he wanted to meet with her. His vague descriptions, of course, freak Andie out and she looks like she's going to hurl.

So, Principal Green has finally decided to punish Pacey and Joey for skipping class. You remember that he picked them up the other day but I guess said nothing to them until today? That's weird. Anyway, he has decided that instead of just, I don't know, giving them detention or something, he wants to give them a stupid punishment. Pacey and Joey look horrified but we don't know what it is until later. Side bar, do high schoolers really get in this much trouble for skipping class? I cut class all the time, you were never in trouble for it (if you kept your ditching to under 10 times). I guess Canadian schools are a bit more lax in attendance once you hit high school than in the US?

Jack bumps into Andie and mentions that he went through with the interview with Dawson. She suddenly goes all doom and gloom about making the wrong life choices and screwing up the future and it's funny because she's talking about herself but Jack thinks she's talking about him. No, scratch that, it's not funny. It's just awkward and kind of selfish of Andie to put all of this onto her brother when it's her who feels guilty and should since she cheated on her PSAT.  So, chalk this up to the further character assassination of Andie McPhee but hang on, it gets worse in later episodes. This is nothing.

Dawson's interview with Jack plays on TV that night and he was even douchey enough to interview the opposing team's coach, thus totally giving away Capeside's secret weapon. Jesus, Dawson, that's cold. Why would you think that was OK? I don't even care about football and do think that Dawson had the right to fulfil his own dream but there was a way to do the interview without mentioning how good Jack is. Just focus on his adversities about being gay and being on the football team and don't mention how good he is. Then, you both win because back then, the other team would have probably been douchey enough to not see Jack as a threat because he's gay. But, whatever, Dawson and Mitch argue about it and Mitch says this gloriousness to Dawson:

Yes, yes, yes!
Oh my god, yes! I've never liked Mitch as much as right now

The next day, sure enough, the team is getting their ass handed to them and the opposing team is gunning for Jack. Dawson sheepishly asks Jen if this is his fault and Jen, bless her, bluntly tells him that it is. I love her.

Pacey and Joey are arguing in a change room about their punishment. Apparently, they have to dress up as the team's mascot, a mule. Pacey begs her to let him be the head and Joey obliges after he mentions that he gets sick "in the back seat". At the same time, Andie is practicing this long-winded confession/apology thing to Principal Green in a mirror.

Mitch is trying to rally the troops during the halftime to try to get them to score before the game ends. Dawson enters the change room with a bucket of black paint and tells everyone that they have to turn their weakness into a strength. Mitch asks what is with the bucket and Dawson says:

Dawson: We'll start by obscuring everyone's numbers, so the other team can't find Jack.
Uhhhh, isn't that cheating?

See, I don't know much about football. Yes, I'm your typical girl that finds sports just completely boring but even I felt like that was not a thing that was allowed. So, I consulted my husband who does watch NFL all the time, if this was legal to do. He tells me no, no it isn't. They would most likely be asked right away to wash off their jerseys or forfeit the game and the coach would probably get a fine and/or suspended.

But wait, this is only phase one of Dawson's cheat-eriffic plan. Phase two is that the cheerleaders are going to put a shit tonne of make up on their faces to make them hard to distinguish. My husband tells me that this probably wouldn't be illegal to do but would be completely impractical because the minute they start playing and sweating, the make up would probably run and get into their eyes. So, this would be completely impractical regardless of the rules. But who cares? They're writing this for girls and we don't care about stuff like rules, we just want to giggle at jocks wearing make up! Why bother trying to write something accurate if it's just a silly drama for girls to swoon over, right ladies?

Tee-hee! Make up on boys is silly!


This line makes me uncomfortable. Highly questionable, writers

Anyway, Capeside ends up winning and the Principal gives Mitch accolades on his "imaginative game play" which I think he means "completely underhanded and cheating game play" but whatever. Everyone's happy.

Andie confronts the Principal and demands to know what he wanted to talk to her about. He laughs and says he wants to set up a student disciplinary committee and he wants her to be in charge of it. She quickly accepts and doesn't confess to cheating on the PSATs. This is still not the worst thing she'll do this season, the writers have more character assassinating to do. 

Jen is waiting to see who she has to kiss when, big shock to no one, it's revealed that it's her stalker, Henry. She questions how he got $500 and he tells her he sold that gross Doug Flutie mouthpiece he was showing off at the beginning of the episode. Jen is actually sort of touched by this and she kisses him. Jen tries to send everyone off after but Principal Green first reveals that she has been chosen as Capeside's Homecoming Queen, much to Jen's annoyance. 

Andie tells Jack that she told him everything would work out fine and that he didn't need to worry. He tells her she's making his head spin because she's acting like she wasn't predicting doom and gloom earlier. Jack...your sister has severe mental problems and a history of manic depressive behaviour. You should be extremely concerned about her massive change in moods right now. But, the writers just want us to laugh it off as cute and silly. Look, the writers really blow chunks at dealing with serious mental problems, they just really shouldn't have tried to tackle it. 

Everything's fine now! My erratic behaviour is now cute
and not a sign of serious mental and emotional imbalances! Whee!

It is revealed that Pacey and Joey were not the ones in the mule costume but a couple if random nerds were. So...that was a waste of a plot point. I guess it was just to stall them getting to their destination sooner in the episode so that the "mystery" of where Pacey was taking Joey could be held until the end of the episode.

Want to know where Pacey wanted to take Joey? To a boat yard. Pacey purchased a boat that is completely run down but he is determined that he can get it fixed up so that he can sail the world. Joey points out to him that the boat is too small to be able to do that but Pacey is not discouraged. Then this:

I just love them so much!

He then reveals what was in the package, it's a plaque that says "True Love" on it. Pacey says that's what he's calling the boat and asks if it's too schmaltzy. Joey says it is but that it's also sweet. Bitches love True Love.


They start fixing up the boat together because they are an awesome team who help each other out like that.

Unfortunately, the episode doesn't end there. We have to endure another Dawson scene. It's a scene that I might have been OK with, had Dawson apologized to his father but no. No. This is Dawsonland and he is always right in Dawsonland so, naturally, Mitch is the one apologizing. Dawson whines that he was just thinking for himself, like what Mitch taught him to do. Mitch responds by telling Dawson not to let anyone stand in the way of his dreams, not even him. I'm here thinking that Dawson is the most selfish person on the face of the Earth and I can't believe no one is calling him out on it. Also, he's a big fat cheater and so is Mitch for going along with Dawson's stupid idea. They suck. Now I'm in a bad mood and I want to punch them for not ending on the adorable Pacey/Joey scene. You know what?

Motherfucking re-write, bitches! This is how the episode now ends.

So, that was Home Movies. A little bit of a forgettable episode to me. I really don't like the Henry/Jen stuff so that didn't interest me and I sure as shit wasn't interested in Dawson and his whining about making a movie and I really don't care about football (and neither did this show until Varsity Blues became a thing), so basically the only thing I enjoyed was the snippets with Joey and Pacey. I shouldn't be surprised, I really only ever watched the show for Pacey.

Stay tuned for the next recap, Indian Summer, in which Eve returns to be (you guessed it) mysterious and sexy, Andie gets worse, and Joey seriously needs to report her boss for sexual harassment. 

Sunday, 17 August 2014

Dawson's Creek - 303 - None of the Above

Original air date: October 13, 1999

Ok, to start off, I hate this episode. It's probably not the worst the series ever put out or anything and it's not horribly written, I just hate it because it is just one giant pile of Dawson acts like an absolute asshat to everyone while everyone pretends that he's such a great guy and that it's so out of character for him to be this way, only it isn't. Guys, Dawson is a character that I loathe with all my heart, he is everything that I hate about self-proclaimed "nice guys" and just everything that I hate in general. In fact, I'm going to go so far as to say Dawson Leery is not a nice guy, he pretends he is but he's not. He's a self-righteous, self-involved, asshole to the highest degree. Now that I've got that off my chest, allow me to show you why:

We start off this episode in Dawson's room, only Eve is sitting with him and they are not watching a movie but *gasp* television. Now here is where the writers delight in giving us a bit of meta humour because you see, Dawson doesn't like TV. Nope. Dawson thinks that it's a bunch of "pablum used between beer commercials." While movies are art. Uh-huh, like his movies, guys, his movies are pure art and not at all just a simple creature feature and teen romance crap.

The show throws a bit more meta at us as Dawson starts in on Felicity which is the show they are watching which was a show that actually aired on the WB along with Dawson's Creek. So, in Dawson's Creek universe, Felicity as we know it, exists. Interesting. Dawson complains about the character Felicity and says this:

Dawson: All right, you know what? Take Felicity, for example. I mean, if you've seen one hour of whiny, over-analytical teen angst, you've seen them all. Don't get me wrong, she's pretty, but what kind of a heroine is she? She's indecisive. She's basically paralysed by some romantic notion of the way things are supposed to be. If you ask me, she's kind of chatty.
To which Eve responds:


I've never seen Felicity, didn't interest me when it came out, but I'd wager that Felicity is not as big of an asshat as Dawson is. Eve loses me when she claims Dawson is a hero because no. Dawson says that she should have seen "last season" because he was not and I completely agree but probably not for the same reason Dawson or the writers are going for. He continues to complain about the fact that television is too perfect and doesn't test the characters or make them learn.

You're describing yourself and only yourself again, Dawson.
Also, you're far from perfect but you certainly think you are.

Eve claims that this is where she comes in. The "character" who shakes things up and tests the hero's limits.

Eve: Don't you know that's where I come in? You know, second season, shake things up. Screw with the status.

No, we're in the third season, Eve. Get your facts straight...unless the writers want us to forget the first season happened? I can't blame them, I mean, they tried to make Ms. Jacobs a sympathetic statutory rapist and just no. Anyway, cut to the opening credits just as they are about to kiss.

The next day we see everyone in the gang, save for Pacey, studying hard for their PSATs. Joey has a stress dream about it but it seems more like it's about her whining after Dawson so, I didn't pay much attention. Her dreams this episode make no sense. Anyway, Principal Greene is holding a PSAT prep class and is testing the students on their knowledge. I'm not sure how PSATs work because I live in a country that doesn't have them, so I don't know if it's normal or not for a principal to be holding the study sessions for them or not. We'll just go with Capeside logic on this one and roll with it. He calls Joey aside to talk to her.

Pacey and Andie bump into each other in the hallway and Andie kind of acts like a bitch. It makes me sad because they are kind of trashing her character. Here's what she says to Pacey:

Andie: Don't worry, Pacey. This isn't going to be one of those horribly awkward "hope-boy-didn't-mean-all-those-hurtful-things-he-said-during-the-breakup" moment.
Ok, two things wrong with this. 1) Andie, you cheated. You were the one that broke the trust in the relationship. Don't guilt Pacey out because you fucked up and didn't like the consequences to your actions. 2) Pacey was not all that mean to her during the break up. We all saw it, I quoted it in last episode's recap. Go read it and tell me if that was overly mean or not. I don't think it was. He said truthfully that he didn't think the relationship meant as much to her as it did to him, he gave her forgiveness, he just said that he couldn't forget what she did and couldn't go back to the way they were before which is fair enough because she cheated. This scene irritates me so let's move on.

Principal Greene informs Joey that she has a chance at a National Merit Scholarship and Joey reveals that she's aware and very stressed out about it. Principal Greene asks if she's feeling under pressure and Joey reveals that she couldn't sleep again last night. Except that we saw her dreaming last night so she clearly did sleep but I'm nit-picking again. I know she probably meant didn't sleep well so we'll move on. Principal Greene then tells her to take the evening off and do something fun to try and relax a bit about the test.

Joey runs up to Dawson because she's a moron and is still hung up on him and asks him if he will hang out with her that night. Unfortunately, Eve shows up and Dawson reveals that they have plans already. He tries to invite Joey to go along with them but Joey is not a pathetic loser and declines.

Jack is practicing football by trying to run through a gauntlet of players while holding onto the ball. He fails and complains that the team is being hard on him for being gay. Mitch tells him that they are singling him out but not because he's gay, because he's the new person on the team and hasn't proved himself yet. He tells him to run it again but he still fails.

Joey asks her skeevy boss if he'll give her the night off so that she can study and he skeevily agrees while telling her about how he paid some "brainiac" to take his PSAT for him. I don't know why he'd think that would impress her but he clearly thinks he's being Mr. Charm instead of Mr. Sleaze. She thanks him for giving her the night off and says she owes him one and her boss takes the opportunity to welcome a sexual harassment lawsuit by saying she could let him take her out for a post-PSAT celebration. Yeah, because then an employee feels like they can say no. This guy is gross. I forget his whole role in this season but I swear to Gods I will punch each and every Dawson's Creek writer in the face if they try and get her together with this guy, no matter how brief.

She tries to brush him off but he keeps pestering her until finally she has to be like "Can I just say no?" to which the guy is all "Yeah sure" but walks away all butt hurt about it. Sexual Harassment lawsuit a-hoy!

If you have to ask if you are allowed to say no,
there is a serious problem here

Dawson is reading in his room when Eve arrives on Joey's creeper ladder. She gives him an apple because they really want to drive home how much of an evil, jezebel, temptress Eve is. Do you get it yet? Women are evil and men are saintly and good just being preyed upon and lured astray by the evil harpies. You know, I love this show for all it's cheesiness and drama and it is usually fun but every once in a while, I fucking hate this show and how it depicts women.

Eve reveals that she also has brought him the answers to the PSATs. Dawson claims he could never use it so Eve is like, you must know someone who can use it and then tells him that the apple was the metaphor but the test answers were the real thing. Then she's all, bye!

'Kay, I've set up your dilemma for the episode. See ya!

So, of course, Dawson then takes it to his friends because he's a complete douchenozzle who wants to  do bad things but still remain virtuous in his own eyes, so that they can decide for him what to do. Why does he do this? Why, so that when shit hits the fans, he can blame his friends because super just and righteous Dawson Leery would never do anything bad, he just brought it to his friends and they backstabbed him because they are all awful while Dawson is a saint.

So, yeah, they all argue over what to do with it and if it's real. Pacey goes to open the envelope but Andie chastises him about going back to his old ways which is way harsh. Then Pacey shoots back that maybe she'd like to open the envelope since cheating is her thing these days. Ouch, right in the feels. Jack wisely tells Dawson to not open it, take it back to where ever he got it, and pretend that none of them ever saw it. Good plan. Jen says they should take a peek and they argue some more until a fire alarm goes off. The Principal is hovering so Dawson is forced to leave the PSAT test answers in the classroom. Not sure why, lots of people grab stuff with them during fire alarms but I guess he didn't want to draw attention to himself.

When they come back inside, the test answers are gone and Dawson is freaking out. Thus, we have our mystery for the episode, who took the envelope?

Joey is distracted while working at the gas bar and over fuels a boat. Her boss, Rob, yells at her and tells the people that the gas is on them. Joey thinks it's not a huge deal that she overfilled the boat and just says, some gas spilled. OK, Joey, but spilled gas can be dangerous so it kind of is a big deal. Rob says he's taking the money out of her pay and that her night off is cancelled. The money is justified the reneging of the night off is not. Joey tells him as much and accuses him of treating her like crap because she dared turn him down for a date. He pretends like he has no idea what she's talking about. This is so wrong and is so sexual harassment but I have a feeling that the show is completely going to gloss over this.

Jen is bandaging up Jack's ribcage because she's an awesome friend while Jack complains to her about being on the football team. He tells her that he is going to quit and Jen tells him that he can't and gives him a pep talk because she's an awesome friend. I love these two. Jack tells her that her pep talk was cheesy.

Never diss Jen's advice

Dawson and Eve have gone back to the school at night to try and look for the envelope again. Dude, it's gone, someone obviously took it. How stupid are you? Just as I ask this question, Dawson answers by whispering to Eve as they are hiding from a security guard who is searching the room that they are in. Although, at that point, I'm not sure who's stupider, Dawson for talking, or the security guard for not being able to find two students who are hiding under a freaking table and whispering back and forth.

Dude, they are right there! And talking! Your flashlight beam is on them!
How are you not finding them!?

Eve finally has to point out to Dawson that someone took it and that someone is in his group of friends.

After the break, they are all sitting in the Principal's office and being berated for cheating. I'm super confused because how the hell would he know they were the ones who had the test, what the hell did I miss? Then Joey gets up and walks over to the fire alarm and pulls it and I realize it's a dream. The weird thing is, the dream seems to be from Dawson's perspective. Joey seems to be doing something uncharacteristic of herself and he's questioning her and is confused. So, you'd think this is Dawson dreaming, right? Nope, it was Joey's dream. Dawson's Creek writers suck at dream sequences, I hope they quit doing it.

Dawson gathers his friends in a circle and tries to get whoever took it to step forward and own up. Good luck, Dawson. No one is going to step forward and endure your derision. Further point, Dawson is all worked up about nothing. So what? The test went missing, not your problem anymore. No one can prove it was yours unless you were stupid enough to write "Property of Dawson Leery" on it. Although, honestly, I wouldn't put it past Dawson to be that stupid but going on the assumption that it was an unopened envelope just randomly sitting on the table, I don't think it could be traced back to him.

He probably wrote his name on it

Joey agrees with me and tells Dawson to just let it be lost. Dawson is all wound up about it though and demands to know who took it. Joey then chastises him for being completely under Eve's spell which is stupid, it's Dawson who's being the douchenozzle here, not Eve. Anyway, Dawson says he's left his locker unlocked and whoever took the test has until the end of the day to slip the test back into his locker. Ok, I'm starting to think that this isn't about Dawson wanting to do the right thing, but Dawson being butthurt that he can't use the test to cheat anymore since someone took it from him. Seriously, why can't he just let it be lost?

Andie pulls Pacey aside just to be a bitch, apparently. She gives him a box full of things he gave her and basically says she's cutting him completely out of her life since he dumped her. She's a lot crueller about their break up than Pacey was, IMO, and it makes me sad because the writers seem really intent on torching her character this season.

Henry gives Jack some pointers about running through the gauntlet and tells him to come up with a mantra to chant in his head so that he can stop thinking about getting through the gauntlet and just get through it. Jack thanks him but questions why he's helping him. Henry reveals that he wants to win a football game and he's convinced Jack can help with that and also...because he wants to get with Jen. This is such a creepy thing to me that it just furthers my belief that he's a serial killer. Just look at this:

Henry: I dream about her, Jack. Every night, heavy dreams about, about … about her lips, her breasts, her legs. If she would just allow me near her, just smell her sweet smell, maybe even kiss me, or take me in her arms, deliver me from suffering and falsity it would prove that there wasn't anything bad, or … or anything empty-hearted in this world that couldn't be corrected.
And tell me you don't see this:

Well, I'm certainly terrified that you're going to carve Jen into
pieces and keep her body parts in your freezer....

So, Jack knows that Henry is talking about Jen and basically laughs in his face and tells him he has zero chance with her because he's a lowly freshman.

You just made the list, Jack!

Pacey shows up at Joey's work and at first she's all pissed that he's messing around at her work, drunk but then she realizes that somethings wrong and asks him what's up. He tells her that Andie gave him a bunch of stuff back and said she had to cleanse him from her life to keep her sanity. He trips over himself and the box falls in the water. Pacey then asks Joey to call his dad and tell him that he's hanging out with her. Joey agrees and Pacey watches a picture of him and Andie float down into the water.

Their 'ship has officially sunk, guys.

Dawson goes to check his locker, confident that the test has been returned while Eve is all "lol NOPE!" She's right and Dawson is all pissy until she tells him she will tell him who took the test. Instead of telling him though, she puts it on him and asks who he thinks took it. Dawson claims he doesn't know and she says that he does because it's whoever he was thinking of first but doesn't want to think it. Then she basically pushes the thought that it's Pacey because of course, Dawson would think it was Pacey.

Dawson confronts Pacey at the gas station and asks him to give the test back but Pacey says he doesn't have it. Dawson doesn't believe him and accuses him of being a shitty friend (look in the mirror to see what a shitty friend looks like, Dawson). Pacey fires back that a friend would believe his friend when he tells him something. He then laughs and tells Dawson that he finds it amusing that Dawson is so hell bent on figuring out who took the test when it could have easily been him. Dawson didn't throw away the test or give it back to Eve, he brought it to them. Dawson whines that he wanted to consult the people he cares about to figure out what to do but really, he shouldn't have needed to do that unless he was considering using it himself and just wanted some validation from his friends. Dawson is the worst. He continues to be the worst by continuing to badger Pacey about taking the test and calls him weak and self-motivated.

Pacey asks which he's supposed to be and Dawson shoots back that "You are what you are, Pacey" Fuck you, Dawson. You are the worst friend. Pacey calls Dawson "self-righteous son-of-a-bitch" which makes me love him even more than I already do. Then Dawson jerks it up by telling Pacey he's cold hearted for not taking Andie back after she cheated on him. Pacey counters that at least he didn't send her dad to jail (but he probably should have because seriously, Mr. McPhee is the worst.) and Dawson counters that Pacey just drove her crazy.

I want to watch this forever

Dawson punches back and that's when Joey comes out asking them what the hell they are doing. Pacey is, of course, the bigger man and says that it's his fault and apologizes while Dawson just stands around being douchey. Joey tells Dawson that this has to stop and then tends to Pacey because fuck Dawson.

Joey talks Pacey down from his anger towards Dawson, which is sweet even though his anger is 100% justified. He sulks about how Dawson thinks he's a loser even though he thought he'd earned his respect. Have we been watching the same show, Pacey? Or were you just too moony over Andie to notice Dawson's belittling of you at his birthday party last season? Because Dawson has made it very clear that he needs you to be a loser so that he can feel good about himself because he's an awful human being who is worthy of neither of your time. Joey paints a different picture which is, I'm sure, what the viewer is supposed to see and that is that Dawson is of course super guilty about wrongfully accusing Pacey. But I don't think he is.

Now we come to the part of the episode that really pisses me off. Get ready for some patented Dawson Slut-Shaming. Eve finds him and asks if he got the test back, Dawson says he didn't but did get a black eye. She asks what happened and he pissily responds that she did. He then accuses her of knowing what would happen when she gave him the test which is all kinds of stupid because I think the only thing she would assume was that he would grapple with the decision to cheat or not on his own, not that he'd bring it to his friends and that it would get stolen. I guess that is what we're supposed to believe because she claims he's threatened by the fact that she opened him up to how the world really works and moves in to kiss him. He pushes her away and says this:

Dawson: Eve, if the purpose of us spending time together was to get to know each other, you know what? Now that I know you, I don't really like you.
Now, fair enough because I don't really like her either but not for the same reason the writers want me to. So, this episode has been really heavy handed in painting Eve as some kind of evil Jezebel but you know what? I'm not buying it. Is she a stupid character? Oh god, yes and annoying too but what has she really done that's been all that evil?

- crashed Mitch's wait, that was Dawson because he couldn't handle driving and getting head at the same time. He should have stopped the boat or he should have not taken the boat out at all. She never asked him to take his father's boat, it was actually Pacey's suggestion but still, Dawson did not have to take it. That was his choice. Nope, not her fault.

- threw a party at Dawson's house...nope. It was Pacey's suggestion again but Dawson agreed to it and threw it so that he could get the money to fix the boat that he crashed.

- sex during an wait, it takes two to tango and they didn't even get that far before they were caught. He can pretend she tempted him and forced him all he wants but he wanted to have sex as much as she did and even went and got the condoms for it. Also, sex is not a bad thing.

- stole PSAT test answers and gave them to Dawson...this is the only legit thing she's done wrong per se but did she really get him in trouble for it? He had options, she didn't hold a gun to his head. She gave him the test to see what he'd do with it, which is a little weird and a bit manipulative but it isn't evil. Dawson could have easily said no thanks to the test, he could have taken it and thrown it out but he didn't. Some part of Dawson wanted to use the test which means that Eve was right, he was morally not pure. Sure, Dawson isn't the type to track down test answers and actively cheat but given the right circumstances, everyone is capable of cheating.

So, of the things she's done so far, there's really only one thing she did that was bad but didn't really mess up Dawson's life. Dawson messed up his own life by bringing the test to his friends, obsessing over it being stolen, and accusing his friends of being thieves. Eve didn't tell him to do any of this, it was all Dawson's doing and it is really pissing me off that Dawson is pretending that she's this she-devil who forces him to do bad things. If anything, the one who pushes Dawson into doing things that are bad is Pacey but still, Dawson can always say no. Eve's character annoys the pants off of me because she's solely there to push Dawson to do "bad" things but still let Dawson be the "Nice Guy" the writers want him to be because clearly, it's all that skanky Jezebel, Eve's fault that he does these things, obvs.


Let's move on to something less upsetting. Jack's football practice is going on and he's pumped because he figured out his mantra to say in his head to clear it of thought. That word is "fug" which is weird but whatever, it seems to work because Jack finally makes it through the gauntlet and everyone cheers for him. Yay for Jack but just about the most amazing and uncomfortable thing happens after this.

Henry sees Jen cheering for Jack and decides that he's also going to use Jack's mantra to get up the courage to kidnap and torture her ask her out. The most unintentionally (or possibly intentionally?) funny thing about this is that he's running at her and yelling a word that sounds like "fuck" and it just makes him look so psychotic.

I am literally terrified for her life right now

Look at the terror in her eyes as he runs at her, it's like she knows that he's going to chop her up into bits and feed her to his pigs.

Yes, you will be a fine meal for my pig

 The next day is the PSATs and just as they are about to start, Dawson gets up, hands his test back and walks out of the room. Pacey follows suit but not before this:

Pacephine for life!!!

Anyway, they did so as an act of solidarity or friendship or something. I don't really get why Dawson walked out but I guess Pacey felt he had to in order to prove that he didn't take the test. Dawson sucks. I guess it is only the Practice SATs but still, seems like a stupid thing to not take the test for. Anyway, Dawson says this:


We close off the episode with the test beginning and it is revealed that Andie is the one who stole the test. DUN DUN DUNNNNN!!! So, we are continuing to torch her character. Great. Also, when you think about it, it makes her indignation that someone in their group of friends "breached trust" earlier seem all that more calculated or just downright hypocritical. The writers probably didn't want us to think that hard about it or were hoping we'd forget that. They clearly wrote those scenes as a way to keep us guessing who did it but it just makes Andie seem more awful that she was acting all indignant to cover her tracks. But, whatever, we are clearly supposed to dislike Andie this season and it makes me sad. I think there could have been a way to break them up and get Pacephine together without completely torching Andie's character but oh well.

And that was None of the Above. Get ready for more of Dawson being a douche (wild guess) in the next episode, Home Movies.